Oh it's been a while, but don't think that means I still don't get stupid customers.  It seems we've taken tech support to infinity and beyond!  To where no man has gone before even!

Name: Oddbjorn Halftroll
Product: cdrw
FIRMWARE version: no idea
IDE CONFIGURATION: Secondary Master
---------------------------------------------------------
Abit vt7 will not autofind this cd. Realize this is more abits prob than yours.
Possible fix is to manually install this cd.
Need cylinder, head, sector etc settings in order to try this.
Manual no longer exists. Nothing online seems to have the correct specs.
Help me, Obi Wan, your my only hope!
ps: yeah, I\'ve read the faq, lol.

Dear Customer,

Or should I say young padiwan?  Your drive doesn't work because you do not have the FORCE.  The FORCE is not strong within you.  Go join the light side.  We don't want your kind here.  Your stupid Star Wars reference makes me want to run you over with a TIE fighter, and feed your carcass to a wookie.

May the force not be with you,

Darth Tech Support

Long time no see kiddies.  Here's a new thing I came up with after trying to read this one e-mail for over 30 mins. 

E-mail Account Prerequisites:  Before recieving e-mail accounts, all users must be able to achieve basic English grammar skills as well as basic typing skills. 

Is that too much to ask?

product: DVD +/-RW
model_number: 8im
operating_system: Windows 2000
ide_config: primary slave

description: my computer doesnt work when conect cd+dvd, the cd+dvd only work in mode dvd, in cd normal, cd+r, cd+rw doesnt work
can you tell what is de problem.
iwas buy this in san diego ca
mexicali mexico

I caught this idiot of a customer trying to copy a porno DVD.  He said he kept getting errors, and then he cut and pasted the ENTIRE problem log to me.  Upon thorough investigation I noticed the following lines:

16:27:24] NeroVision Your project contains the following:
[16:27:24] NeroVision Number of titles: 1
[16:27:24] NeroVision 1. Deep Throat This - (Fujiko Kano, Miko Lee, Nicole Sheridan) - XXX (Video Title, 1h 19m 05s)

And my REAL reply this time, not made up, not fabricated:

Sometimes, I wish it weren't so...  Below is an ACTUAL REAL e-mail correspondence I had with a REAL customer.  You can't make this stuff up.  And for those who might ask me later.  Yes, this one's real. 

(Just a tip for those who need it.  Since I cut and pasted this from a real email, the timeline goes from recent at the top, and older at the bottom.  So you geniuses will hafta read the following section bottom to top.  Can you handle it?)

----- Original Message -----
From: "**name removed**" <**email removed**>
To: "techsupport" <**email removed**>
Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 2004 4:52 PM
Subject: Re: Photo download

> SUCCESS!!!!  That did it.  Thank you very much.  I think I got it now.
> Thank you.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: techsupport <**email removed**>
> Sent: Aug 10, 2004 4:31 PM
> To: "**name removed**" <**email removed**>
> Subject: Re: Photo download
>
> Dear Customer,
>
> Try the MENU button ON THE CAMERA.
>
> Tech Support
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "**name removed**" <**email removed**>
> To: "techsupport" <**email removed**>
> Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2004 1:10 PM
> Subject: Re: Photo download
>
>
>> OK I'll bite.  What Menu button are you referring to?!?!?  I have a
>> Micronpc MILLENNIA.  I've looked high and low and can't seem to find a menu button anywhere.  Is it on my keyboard ?  I didn't see it there either.  Not in My Computer.  Could it be in another application??
Help!
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: techsupport <**email removed**>
>> Sent: Aug 9, 2004 1:02 PM
>> To: "**name removed**" <**email removed**>
>> Subject: Re: Photo download
>>
>> Dear Customer,
>>
>> Try this.  Unplug your camera from the PC.  Press the MENU button.  Go down to SETUP and press ->.  Then go down to USB and press ->.  Then to download your pictures, you will want to choose "CARD READER" and press ->.  Now when you plug in your camera to your computer via the USB cable, it will show up as a removable drive and let you access the stored pictures.
>>
>> Tech Support

Idiots I have learned to deal with.  But now what?  Comedians?  Crap...

description: To whom this may concern, besides me. Now that the humor out the way. I purchased an Emprex DVD Dual 4x dvd +/-r +/-rw internal drive. I took the time to actually write all that out because what I want you to understand that what I have is an DVD+R/+RW. Now I have done the firmware update with no luck. It's a great drive I dont want to return it I just want it fixed or to at lease do what it says it does on the box.

Dear Customer,

Ha Ha?  You're stupid and not funny.  Now I don't even want to help you.  Go as Jerry Seinfeld for help.  He's just about as funny as you are.  Maybe you guys could work together on this one and laugh each other to death. 

Tech Support